Life..

I waited for yesterday so long.. and suddenly it was over with any special emotions.. not that smth magnificent happened..actually, exactly opposite.. well, it's not really important why I waited for yesterday to come (it's connected with my studies and most people probably find me crazy to take it so seriously, but this is who I am).. just.. I was busy with school work for some weeks.. without having time for everything else in my life.. I pressed down my emotions and it seemed to work just great.. with yesterday ended my hurrying.. and it feels so empty.. I'm afraid that all the emotions I have put away are coming back.. I know well that escaping from feelings is not the smartest thing to do, but it is so convenient to ignore them and just live and do what needs to be done.. but that's not how the human being is built.. there are laugh, cry, smiles, sadness, disappointments, expectations, overwhelmed feelings.. actually, it's incredible how we are able to feel all this.. and no wonder that sometimes we collapse and madness occupies us..

I'm afraid of my feelings but at the same time I have a fear to turn into a robot and walk through the life without really being in present..I don't want to turn into a person who forgets what life is really all about..it's not about having a good education, a good job, high salary, a house, fancy clothes, the best car.. it's not even about having a house in the mountains which is one of my biggest dreams.. these things just help us to do well and that's it..these things don't makes us happy.. well, maybe they do for some time, but it is only apparent and passing phenomenon.. when there are no people to share with all the things we have achieved, then after some pride moments it all loses its meaning and we don't care anymore..do we want it or not, but we need other people around us..we want to be wanted..and can there be anything better than to love and to be loved..when we can't be with the people we love the most then life loses its real value..we need to share.


Recently I find myself thinking about life when I'm in the public transport..it's the time when I notice people..it's the time when i love life..it's the time when I see laughing youth, doggish elder, crying babies, drunk people who have lost themselves..have you noticed how many interesting people are living among us?..it's amazing..the way they talk, the way they think, the way they dress..it's the time when the Sun shines only for me and I find myself happy.

But then I realize that I don't have that special one to share this happiness with..these feelings I am afraid of the most..yesterday I got a great offer to go for a little trip..I was really enthusiastic..I wanted to go..but then I realized why..silly girl..I hoped too much..again..I believe there are feelings which we never get over..we just learn to live with them..I dislike it..it hobbles..for good..I hope I'm strong enough to brake these fetters and feel free again..









Right now my biggest wish is to feel free again..free like a eagle in the mountains..