Weekend...Part One

DRINK AND DRIVE WHOLE NIGHT..


that's all I can say right now..





to be continued...

People...

Couple of days a go I saw a very chic old man walking over a bridge..I just couldn't help myself staring at him when I was passing by..u don't see such a gentleman every day..a nice bright suit with stripes, a vest, a hat and a walking-stick..almost perfect..

Today I saw an old lady who was like a copy of Queen Elisabeth..when I get old then I wanna look as chic and gorgeous as she does..fancy old lady with a piercing..hmm..funny :D

Then I saw an old woman who has only one tooth..she was very cheerily talking with herself and laughing..I have seen her before..she takes the same bus as I do..every time I find myself looking at her and thinking that o boy, she must have a great carefree life..I believe that people who live in their fantasy world are more happy..

And the most hilarious was that the bus driver had the most biggest glasses I have ever seen..ok, I may lie a little, but they were huge..and with red rims..hahaha

Life..

I waited for yesterday so long.. and suddenly it was over with any special emotions.. not that smth magnificent happened..actually, exactly opposite.. well, it's not really important why I waited for yesterday to come (it's connected with my studies and most people probably find me crazy to take it so seriously, but this is who I am).. just.. I was busy with school work for some weeks.. without having time for everything else in my life.. I pressed down my emotions and it seemed to work just great.. with yesterday ended my hurrying.. and it feels so empty.. I'm afraid that all the emotions I have put away are coming back.. I know well that escaping from feelings is not the smartest thing to do, but it is so convenient to ignore them and just live and do what needs to be done.. but that's not how the human being is built.. there are laugh, cry, smiles, sadness, disappointments, expectations, overwhelmed feelings.. actually, it's incredible how we are able to feel all this.. and no wonder that sometimes we collapse and madness occupies us..

I'm afraid of my feelings but at the same time I have a fear to turn into a robot and walk through the life without really being in present..I don't want to turn into a person who forgets what life is really all about..it's not about having a good education, a good job, high salary, a house, fancy clothes, the best car.. it's not even about having a house in the mountains which is one of my biggest dreams.. these things just help us to do well and that's it..these things don't makes us happy.. well, maybe they do for some time, but it is only apparent and passing phenomenon.. when there are no people to share with all the things we have achieved, then after some pride moments it all loses its meaning and we don't care anymore..do we want it or not, but we need other people around us..we want to be wanted..and can there be anything better than to love and to be loved..when we can't be with the people we love the most then life loses its real value..we need to share.


Recently I find myself thinking about life when I'm in the public transport..it's the time when I notice people..it's the time when i love life..it's the time when I see laughing youth, doggish elder, crying babies, drunk people who have lost themselves..have you noticed how many interesting people are living among us?..it's amazing..the way they talk, the way they think, the way they dress..it's the time when the Sun shines only for me and I find myself happy.

But then I realize that I don't have that special one to share this happiness with..these feelings I am afraid of the most..yesterday I got a great offer to go for a little trip..I was really enthusiastic..I wanted to go..but then I realized why..silly girl..I hoped too much..again..I believe there are feelings which we never get over..we just learn to live with them..I dislike it..it hobbles..for good..I hope I'm strong enough to brake these fetters and feel free again..









Right now my biggest wish is to feel free again..free like a eagle in the mountains..

I got married...

I got married... in my dream of course.. in real life I should start looking for a boyfriend first.. I wonder what that dream means.. is The One somewhere near??? haha..jeah, right.. I thought marriage is out of fashion.. everybody likes to be in a free relationship.. anyway.. I have done everything in my dreams, but I have never entered into the marriage field before.. interesting experience.. a humorous part is that I don't remember who was my fiancee.. Brad Pitt?? ;)

:)

Queen.. The Show Must Go On..

I close my eyes..turn the volume on..and sing as loud as possible..


The Show Must Go On

From Innuendo

Empty spaces - what are we living for

Abandoned places - I guess we know the score

On and on, does anybody know what we are looking for...

Another hero, another mindless crime

Behind the curtain, in the pantomime

Hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore

The show must go on,

The show must go on

Inside my heart is breaking

My make-up may be flaking

But my smile still stays on.

Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance

Another heartache, another failed romance

On and on, does anybody know what we are living for?

I guess I'm learning, I must be warmer now

I'll soon be turning, round the corner now

Outside the dawn is breaking

But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free

The show must go on,

The show must go on

Inside my heart is breaking

My make-up may be flaking

But my smile still stays on

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies

Fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die

I can fly - my friends

The show must go on,

The show must go on

I'll face it with a grin I'm never giving in

On - with the show - I

'll top the bill, I'll overkill

I have to find the will to carry on

On with the -

On with the show -

The show must go on...

Sunday...again...

Sunday..Sunday again..in latest weeks I keep asking myself what have happened with Fridays and Saturdays..it seems to be Sunday all the time when a new week is just around the corner again..last week in school before exams waits me and I have so many things to do..there are moments when I wish to throw all my duties outside of the window, go to my parents home and wander in the woods looking for my lost dreams..but just one more week with sleepless nights won't kill me..right..today I woke around 9..looked about a half an hour my ceiling and tried to get myself together..was thinking about a weird dream I saw(believe me, all my dreams are very awkward ), but I couldn't remember what it was..after finding all the smallest chinks on my ceiling I finally find a strength to go and take a shower..it woke me up a little bit more..now I'm sitting behind the computer again, reading an article "Organization design: fashion or fit?", eating my tasteless porridge and drinking coffee..I'm out of sugar and u can only imagine how it tastes..
Have I mentioned that I study economics? Does it sound like fun to u? Don't answer..I know what u may think..it's not that bad as it sounds..it's pretty interesting, actually..

I need to read that article for my Management course..another chance to improve my English..why I'm not able to use such sophisticated words like they are..I have a problem with difficult words..I see one, look it up from the dictionary, remember the meaning and next time when that word comes up I have already forgotten it..sometimes I wish I have magical brains which are able to save all the information I need..

Have u ever deleted a sms from a person u care about without sending an answer back..for me that kind of acting is very unusual..indeed..I always answer in a moment... even if I'm running to catch a bus and sending a sms is the last thing I have time for..but I like to give a feedback to people..it shows that I care..I don't believe when people say they forgot or were too busy..these are just excuses..we all have time to show others that we think about them..we all have these 5 min a day...it makes me sad if I see there exist people who take their friends self-evident..I have an experience in this area and I didn't like it..still don't..no-one has a right to take me that way..if it appears to me that I'm the single soul who cares then I hole up into my cave and make these cold grimaces.. no answer back

One of these Saturdays...

Today I woke with a throat ache and a headache..nice combination..I just love it..still reading that book in German..I don't get it..why they have to make so long and complicated sentences..when I try to translate them into my own language I need to turn a whole sentence upside-down and I have no clue how I should order my words..why they put verb in the end of the sentence..and what's the most silly is that they say numbers backwards..hahaha..weird people.. I do understand the meaning of the sentences, but translating is smth totally different..harder..respect for people who do it for living..they need to be really good masters in word art..or what ever they call it..I feel that German word order has had an effect on my Swedish..and that's not good..but I love different languages..and to be honest..I have a dictionary fetish..oh jeah..dictionary is my bible..and languages are my passion..
next fall I am going to study in Holland and I have an aim to learn Dutch as well..oh my god..it's pretty similar to German and I have to deal with this weird word order again..bummer..

speaking about Holland then I can't wait to meet one really great young man again.. did I mention that he is the sweetest person who has ever lived on the planet..haha.. come on..we all have our secret crash..right?..or should I say more or less secret..haha..anyway..I think I will bring him Estonian cider :P

Cruel life...

Today it's Friday..and what am I doing??? no, I'm not on my way out to have a party with my friends..far from that..I am sitting behind the computer and prepare myself for reading..hmmm...prepararing phrase... actually..to be completely honest..I have done that "preparation" couple of hours now...there is one book in German I have to read..not that it's boring..or that I don't wanna improve my German skills..I just hate doing things I am obligated to do..no fun..obligatory activities taste different..bitter..and I don't like my food without flavours..anyway..
Today has been a weird day..a melancholic day..I call it The Day of Memories...a free day when I don't come out of bed before 14..I just lie sweetly between my pillows with my teddy bear, remote control and morning coffee..in these days can happen that I start to analyze too much..my life..people around me..my broken dreams..my future expectations..and next I find myself in tears...I have noticed that I cry a lot..I have started to ask myself why..I have come to understanding that it is my way to leave bad energy behind me..it's the way how I turn the page of my life book and find the strength to move on..because after every crying I smile..I find some totally unachievable dream in my box of thoughts and fly with this fantasy to my Wonderland..it makes me happy again..I'm a big dreamer..and I love it..dreams make life worthwhile..at least for me..

and now I dream myself into this obligatory book in German and try to discover some interesting fantasies in it..

and why cruel life..one woman in one of these silly American shows said smth which made me thought..she said: I knew that life isn't fair, but no-one told me that it can be so cruel..I should use that sentence as the title of my life in 2006..

First time...

Blogging??? why me???..Do I wanna be like everybody else who wants to show off with their so called different thoughts about life???..if I say yes will it be too odd and straight answer??? but if I say no then probably no-one believes me..so..hmmm..I think I choose the easiest way and just skip the answer..isn't that what people do..if something seems too inconvenient to deal with they just skip it with cold grimaces on their faces which show that they don't give a shit... what can I say..I am just one of these 21st century young people who are the victims of technology..maybe the slave would be even the better word..anyway..I'm not complaining..I'm inspired by the opportunities technology offers us... I love the world where I find myself living in..perfect..so...time for blogging..